Don’t Date Single Moms, Unless They Have These Traits
If you visit the manosphere, at all, you have probably noticed the pervasive belief that if a woman has children, it’s a relationship deal-breaker. “Never date a single mother,” many of them will say but honestly guys, we shouldn’t paint in broad strokes. That’s a special kind of stupidity that we can all fall into unless we consciously do something different. There are great single moms out there. Some of them are beautiful, hard-working and full of character. Being a single mom honestly has helped them grow up a bit. Anytime that life gets hard and forces a person to survive, they are going to naturally develop grit and become resilient. When you get older, dating someone that doesn’t have kids is a hell of a lot easier said than done. Once you start dating past 30 or 35, the pickings get a bit slim.
I’ve met some awesome single moms but they aren’t so easy to find. The really great ones aren’t writing blog posts about why you should date single moms. If she has to convince you that she is great, she’s probably not that great. Awesome single moms let their actions speak for themselves. They know they have it together and they put their efforts into having it together instead of trying to convince others of it. Here’s a shortlist of single mom red flags. You can also make this list your “I’ll date her if…” list.
- She understands that you are her primary relationship and she puts you above her kids – The people who think in black and white will think that I’m saying that moms shrug off her motherly duties and that she ditches her kids. This isn’t what I mean at all. It just means that your committed relationship needs to take a priority. Your partner needs to be your primary relationship. Period. If you’re browsing through profiles and you see a single mom say something like “My kids will always come first,” make sure you swipe left. She probably bounces from relationship to relationship and can’t get it through her melon why her love life is a dumpster fire. Kids will always divide and manipulate. The adults in the home need to be a united front. Single moms that jump in to defend their children from their partner aren’t keepers. If she thinks her partner might harm her kids then why in the hell is she with them? Because she’s crazy, that’s why. Move on.
- She doesn’t expect you to be a fill-in dad – It’s not your job to come in and be the heavy in a parenting situation. Sometimes step kids take really well to step-parents but until they do that, you are a support and a backup. If the kids are failing out of school, getting into trouble and having issues, your job is to take a step back and support your partner. If she expects you to step in and take the heat so that she can stay in good favor with her kids or do the heavy lifting for some other reason then you need to get the hell out of there.
- She doesn’t expect you to become financially responsible for her kids – If she’s working and collects child support then she doesn’t need your money. If she expects you to step in and take financial responsibility in a situation like this then you’ve got a problem. She may not be looking for love, instead, she’s probably looking for someone to absolve her own responsibility for the choices she’s made. Don’t get into a relationship with someone that mostly wants your money. Unfortunately, there are gold diggers out there. There are plenty of women out there that are just looking for someone to financially support them instead of a loving partner. Avoid these women like a disease.
- She has a good relationship with her kids – Pay attention to her parenting styles and approaches. Does she enable bad behaviors? Does she scream and yell at her kids? Have meltdowns? Does she call them names? Are her kids pretty good kids or are they nasty little delinquents? How are her problem-solving skills in a parenting sense? Does she apologize when she makes mistakes? Does she work to improve? All of these are going to be your indicators of the type of partner she’s going to be. If she approaches parenting this way, how do you think she’s going to act in a relationship?
- She has an identity outside of being a mother – Is this person a person or is she a “Karen?” Does she have interests outside of motherhood? Too many women make motherhood the core of their identity and it causes them to be out of balance. Good luck getting her away for the weekend. Good luck getting her out for a night of fun with you and some friends. Does she just want to stay home and micromanage the kids or is she planning the next fun outing? Parenting is important but kids need to develop independence and they can’t do that when mom is saying no to every effort that will allow the kids to spread their wings. Does she enjoy fitness, hiking, cycling, yoga, art, wine tasting, travel and the like while leaving the kids behind once or twice a month? She’s more likely to be a keeper. Ditch the moms who refuse to have an identity outside of being a mom.
- She has a good and working relationship with the children’s father – This is a big bonus. Don’t ignore this positive sign. This is muy bueno. If she can work well with the dad for the betterment of her kids then you’ve most likely got a keeper. On the other hand, avoid, like the plague, women who try to weaponize children or use them to leverage somebody else. This is a huge red flag that you should never ignore. As a therapist that has worked extensively with teenagers, the parents that weaponize their children in an attempt to harm their ex are sick people. They seriously boil my blood. If you’re guilty of this then you need to knock that shit off. Right now. On my list of bad parenting behaviors this one is borderline abusive and it serves a parent right when it backfires and those children stop talking to them.
- She’s not spewing her single motherhood and parenting all over social media and the internet – The more a parent puts effort in convincing others that they are a good parent is often a red flag that they aren’t a good parent and here’s why. They usually care more that people think that they are a good parent than they care about actually being one. The more effort they put into looking like a good parent on the internet is equivalent to the effort that they aren’t actually putting into parenting. Really good parents don’t feel the need to put it on parade for other people to see online. This is a red flag because you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that cares about appearances more than they care about relationships. She’ll do the exact same thing to you. Treat you like garbage and then make it look like she’s a dream come true on Instagram.
- She’s been discerning about having children – Does she have six kids from five different dudes? This red flag seems like an obvious and simple one but guys still put their dick in these women to total and complete bewilderment. There are many women out there that, for reasons that I don’t understand, are completely willy nilly about bringing human beings into the world. Then there are women that take the necessary precautions to avoid getting pregnant until she’s sure that it’s a good idea. Sure, spooge happens in moments of passion and many pregnancies aren’t planned but definitely avoid the women that don’t make efforts or take any precautions to avoid getting pregnant. Definitely avoid the women that don’t even hesitate about having unprotected sex or using preventative measures.
Women have a tendency to be out of balance. Men do too, of course, but women can overdo it in relationships like there’s no tomorrow. They don’t always seem to know when too much is too much or when they’ve gone too far. They don’t know when they are “over parenting” or when they can take a step back and do something other than being a mom. Granted, they can overdo it in the other direction too. Neglecting the kids entirely because she wants to do her thing is also a red flag. The bottom line is she needs to be balanced and willing to make adjustments when she’s out of balance. Ditch the ones that can’t take any feedback or self-reflect.
More importantly, be mindful of yourself and your willingness to walk away, say no and look ahead with optimism and positivity. There are plenty of fish in the sea and when you work hard at being the best version of yourself that you can be, then you’re far more likely to snag that amazing partner.