Is being nice a turnoff to women?

by | Aug 12, 2019 | Boundaries, Men's Issues, Relationships, Self-respect

Every single nice guy will tell you that landing relationships with attractive women is a puzzle that they don’t know the solution for. Attractive women elude them almost like Bigfoot. The only thing they have to show after tromping around for days in the wilderness are a couple of blurry pictures. This is so frustrating for nice guys because they work so hard at doing everything right while avoiding anything that resembles being upsetting or disagreeable. They believe that this makes them a great prospect for being a quality partner and by all logical reasons, they’re right. So why is their love life a deserted wasteland? Why do women flock to the men who are rough, dysfunctional or otherwise mean? Bad boys and their seemingly effortless ability to get women, is an entirely different article but this question surfaced online recently. Another nice guy becomes frustrated that his tireless efforts at being agreeable, unselfish and pleasing are leaving him empty and alone. A lot of guys are left wondering, is being nice a turnoff to women? The answer is yes and no. And also, it depends.

Male and female attraction is complicated but then again, so is everything. The failure to see the gray areas and nuances in life are an entirely different problem and another topic on its own and so we have to break some things down here. First of all, what does it mean to be nice? Nice guys generally seem to want to push the limits of being nice almost as though they want to “out nice” the other guys. Whatever their motivation might be, they certainly do their best to push the limits of being a nice guy and in the process, they often become a doormat because they believe it’s the nice thing to do. I have found that in many cases the term doormat is almost interchangeable with “nice guy.” I have had countless examples over the years of nice guys that are almost phobic about being less of a doormat because they think it’s “being mean.” Standing up for themselves? Mean. Setting boundaries? Mean. Holding her accountable for her selfish choices? Mean.

Being nice doesn’t turn women off but being a doormat does. There is almost no chance for attraction to build towards someone when you are struggling to respect them. Women won’t respect you if you strive to be a complete doormat. I really can’t help but think that too many of us have been lead to believe that males, by our very nature, are abusive and oppressive towards females and to make up for it, we must push the limits of being passive and docile so as to avoid any semblance of being “oppressive.” The frustrating part is that I often see these nice guys being so sensitive to anything that might resemble so-called oppression that they relinquish their own self-respect and personal needs.

Being Liked

I really believe that a big part of the problem lies within the need to be liked. Some of us are so desperate for approval that we’re willing to do anything to get it but we often end up losing respect in the process. As a mental health professional, I have often asked people if they would rather be liked or if they would rather be respected. For me, there’s nothing to consider here. I’d rather be respected, every single time. I would never choose approval over respect, so it always throws me off a little bit when someone tells me that they would rather be liked than respected, even though we can basically show that their pursuit for approval has resulted in misery. It doesn’t make them happier or healthier, in fact, the opposite is usually true; the longer they chase approval the more unhappy they are.

Show me someone who seeks being liked more than being respected and I will show you someone with a profound lack of self-esteem. They are dependent on others to give them something that they are unable to give to themselves. Approval and validation. Depending on others to fill your cup is frankly a miserable existence and I can say this for sure because I’ve been there and done that. It’s a dead-end folks, trust me.

I am convinced that many of us have our priorities wrong because we have been taught wrong. We’re not here to gain the approval from others. That is not the solution to depression, anxiety or low self-esteem. If somebody told you or even implied that you have a duty to be liked and approved of by others – then I have some good and bad news. They lied to you. As they say, before the truth can set you free, it will piss you off. I had been taught that I had a duty to be liked and when I realized that I had been lied to, I was angry. That was a lesson that I learned the hard way three or four times before it really stuck. First, it was painful, then it made me angry and then I was free.

Seeking approval and needing to be liked will undermine you in several ways.

  • It prevents you from gaining respect.
  • It makes you way less attractive to quality women.
  • It puts a big torpedo right into the middle of your attempts to build or gain any confidence.

The irony here is that when nice guys are worried about doing things that are mean, they allow others to be mean to them, especially women. They get taken advantage of, they get treated like a doormat and they get strung along and played with. Now those things are being mean and I sometimes think the elephant in the room is that for some reason, females are off the hook when it comes to being mean. My point here is that too many guys are too afraid of possibly being mean by calling out the people that are being mean to them.

Turning Women On and Turning Them Off

I’ve already said it once but here it is again. Being a doormat turns women off. What is your goal? Do you want to be nice or do you want to turn women on because there are countless examples that show us that you can’t have both. But I think that this is where so many men get confused. Sure, they want to turn women on but there’s a giant internal barrier that they can’t get around. The fear of losing approval.

There are some fairly consistent ideas on what turns women on. Bad boys seem to have it down pretty precisely. What we do know is that nice guys struggle to land quality women and while it’s easy to look at them as victims, the fact of the matter is that they could choose to do something different if they aren’t getting the results that they want. The right answers are out there and I’m not suggesting that nice guys should do the opposite of being a nice guy/doormat but find a positive middle ground where respect for self and others exists. They can be nice while also being confident and practicing respect for self for others. This article isn’t about how to turn women on. There’s plenty of content out there about this specific topic and you can easily find it if you want. I just prefer to warn guys about pickup artists because those guys tend to be predatory. For now, just understand this. There are certain things that really get an engine revving for women and being a doormat isn’t one of them.

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