Stop Care Taking Broken and Dysfunctional Women
Am I the only one feeling confused about what is expected of men by women these days? Honestly, one minute it’s that we’re supposed to make them happy and be everything for them all of the time and the next minute it’s that they don’t need us and for us to leave them alone. Sometimes males even get the message that women don’t need us at all and that we’re entirely worthless. I don’t know about you but I’m a little tired of it and for the most part, I just do my own thing while keeping some vigilance for red flags.
One of the red flags that I look for are the women that expect people, especially males to take care of them and this frankly tends be to a pretty comprehensive expectation and what I mean by that is that she can expect people to also take care of her physical needs and expects other people to make her happy. Unfortunately, there are a lot of women out there that have become maladjusted in this way. Chances are they weren’t properly validated as children and never learned how to discover and develop their own inherent value and this is how they have learned to deal with it. When you think about it, this is likely how they feel validated, at least in small degrees and they probably foster a core belief that having someone care take them is love and validation.
On the other hand, there are males that learn to be loved and validated on the other side of the spectrum; by caretaking. They probably had a parent that only gave them positive validation when they would be a caretaker to their parent and they get it baked into them as a child that this is the only thing that makes them valuable. Show me an adult male that caretakes a chaotic woman and I’ll show you a man that used to take care of his mom when he was a child and he still might take care of his mom, at least to some degree. That’s not always the case but is true far more often than not.
Enmeshment and Codependency
This is especially true for women with Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. These women can be almost utterly helpless. A lot of them get into adulthood and they are unable to do little or nothing for themselves and so they tend to attract and get into relationships with caretaking men who are living up to the core of their perceived identity. They take care of women and pander to their emotions because this is just who they are and what their identity has turned out to be.
I’ve seen so many of these relationships and believe me guys when I say guys that these relationships always end in disaster. The select few that sustain and survive are a special kind of a nightmare if you ask me. This is a situation and a dynamic that is codependent, plain and simple. It’s a dynamic in which two people keep each other sick. The caretaking guys tell themselves that they are helping someone when they are keeping them in a state of helplessness and powerlessness. People need to learn how to help themselves and do things for themselves because it’s empowering and they will never get there if you are taking care of them day in and day out.
Ultimately, these men deny themselves of being people with wants and needs. This line of reasoning is consistent with Robert Glover and his book “No More Mister Nice Guy.” Everybody has wants and needs and modern men have essentially been shamed because of it but when they deny having wants and needs then a lot more complicated and bad things happen in the wake of that denial.
And to be fair, I believe that men are hard-wired to want to protect and take care of women which I believe is likely the result of natural selection. History has brought hard times and males have traditionally found a lot of purpose and meaning in protecting and providing for the women they love and I think that this is a form of chivalry but times have changed. Women in western cultures no longer need men to protect them and provide for them. Chivalry is dead because feminism killed it. Men used to love providing for the women they love but lately, it just looks like exploitation. Feminists have driven it home that women no longer need men and to a certain extent I agree and to another extent, if that’s what they say they want, we should give it to them.
Men need to start being there for themselves first and one vital component to that is recognizing that being a physical and emotional caretaker to chaotic and broken women is a bad road for everybody involved. I get it, I once felt this way too, that if I didn’t serve as a caretaker to these broken women, I’d lose my purpose and my identity and that rescuing them from their tragic lives would make me good and lovable. Modern males can still find purpose and identity but they have to be willing to be lost for a season or two. Betraying your existing identity is terrifying, even if your current situation is miserable.
The bottom line that men need to understand is that these miserable situations won’t magically correct themselves or get better on their own. Facing it now is far better than waiting five years or whatever for things to get worse. There are effective ways to take these challenges on. The first step is deciding that something needs to change and develop a healthy fear of what will happen if you don’t change it. After that, establish a tribe and support system. Men can accomplish anything as long as they stand together and we need to let go of this absurd nonsense that asking for help is a weakness.
As someone that used to be enmeshed and codependent with broken women, I understand exactly how miserable it is. I know how scary it is to venture outside of this perceived value system and dark and scary that road can be. I walked it mostly by myself but that doesn’t have to be true for you. It’s time for men to stand together and support each other because there are so many of us that relate to this failed life approach. At Orion, we are committed to providing that supportive community to men because it has been lost. You can get the guidance and you can get the support because we are stronger when we work together.