Surviving the Shit Tests

by | Jul 9, 2019 | Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Men's Issues, Relationships, Validation

Yes, women shit test us. If I’m really honest though I’ve been guilty of shit testing people too. There’s different types and levels of shit testing but the purpose is usually the same. To help us determine the true nature of other people. People are troublesome. Trusting them without scrutiny is a bad idea and to a degree, shit testing is a good idea because when it’s done properly it will teach you a lot about other people. We need to be discerning about the people that we allow into our lives and we especially need to be discerning about the women we become intimate with. When you allow them into your life, you’re letting them march into your castle and if they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, you’re going to have a big problem. I’d even contend that we need to be shit testing them as well. I want to be really clear that shit tests are not supposed to be malicious, mean or manipulative but instead to serve as a filter, of sorts, to get through the dog and pony show that usually happens when we meet somebody new.

Meeting of the Ambassadors

Chris Rock said it best, “When you first meet someone, you’re not really meeting them, you’re meeting their representative!” It’s funny because it’s true. Most of the time when you meet someone new you’re not really meeting them in their true and authentic form. I guess that might not always be true, I have seen women that are openly nasty and occasionally there’s someone that is genuinely great. Most of the time you’re meeting a version of that person that they want others to see so in a sense you’re not meeting them. I call this person you’re meeting their ambassador. If you’re sending out your ambassador because you want to put your best foot forward than what you essentially have, much of the time is a meeting of the ambassadors. Those parts of the personality that have been sent to the demilitarized zone to be a representative. 

You should never get into a serious commitment with someone until you have a really good sense of what they are really like. It’s not wrong of women to want this from us and it’s not wrong of us to want this from them. It’s the shit tests that help us get to the chase quicker. Shit tests actually serve a good purpose, when you really think about it.

Why Do Women Shit Test?

Why do women shit test us? I think that from one perspective it kind of looks like they do this to keep us on our toes or to keep an upper hand, of sorts. I think that might be true at times as I often observe that too many relationships deteriorate into some kind of power struggle. However women can determine how they feel about their male partners by introducing some chaos. You can learn a lot about a person by putting some chaos into their laps. Women often use these shit tests to determine different things like what you’re really like as a person if you’re dedicated and committed to her, if you’ll protect her and, of course, whether or not you’re safe.

I tend to believe that the guys who get a lot of shit tests are more than likely failing their shit tests on a consistent basis and it’s more than likely that when they are confronted with shit tests, they usually end up stammering and getting flustered, which is the worst thing that you can do because it looks like you’re trying to hide something. The standard “nice guy” fails shit tests like it’s his job. He goes to great lengths to provide a version of himself that is agreeable and he can often come across as inauthentic. I believe that nice guys get shit tested the most and usually fail them the most. I also don’t believe that this is a coincidence.

Guys can get flustered because they likely see shit tests as some kind of personal attack or confrontation. It’s easy to get flustered when it seems like your integrity and character are being brought into question but this is not the real purpose of these test. I also think that guys get flustered because of the ongoing and pervasive problem of not wanting their woman to get angry with them. This is frankly a whole other topic, but guys are just too sensitive to the anger of women.  Because they are so heavily focused on avoiding it, they become too afraid to do the wrong things which can often keep them from doing the “right things.” It causes guys to appear insecure. We’re often afraid of anger because we’re still feeling insecure. When our insecurity gets triggered, we stammer, stall and scramble to find the perfect response which is usually the very thing that causes us to fail these shit tests in the first place. But these tests aren’t about you. Really. They are about her. It looks like she’s attacking you when she’s probably trying to learn things about you and get a better sense of what you’re really like.

When you really think about it, shit tests are about attaining reassurance and acquiring a sense of security. Most of the time, women aren’t attacking you, they are seeking some assurance and a sense of security from you and a lot of men are failing to give it. I even think that to a degree, they want us to stand up to them because it gives them the reassurance that we will stand up for them when push comes to shove.

The Bigger Picture

Too many guys just want to know what the right thing to do is. They want to pass the test and resolve the issue because that’s just what guys do. The problem is, they aren’t seeing the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that you are failing shit tests because you don’t have yourself figured out well enough. Shit tests would be minor bumps in the road if you had a better sense of who you are and lived confidently. I believe that so many guys fail the shit tests because they react in fear and women pick up on that in a hot minute.

When you fail shit tests it’s not because you said the wrong thing necessarily, it’s because you were taken aback, stammered and stumbled through it. Women aren’t necessarily looking for someone who will say the right thing, they are looking for someone that will help put their anxieties to rest. Women want men who are confident. Men who don’t cower when confronted with a shit test.

The greater problem with guys is that they are struggling with their confidence and the fear of losing approval. The bigger picture is basically this: You must wean yourself off of the need for approval. Approval is a need that we have but you can learn to provide this for yourself. Generating genuine confidence and esteem will serve you will and will ultimately help you knock those shit tests out of the park.

The simplest way, I have found, to get through these shit tests is to provide validation. As men, we have a tendency to fix things but as fixers, this has the tendency to treat women like they are weak and incapable and nobody likes being treated that way. The first, and hardest part, is recognizing that a shit test is happening and not reacting to it. If you can do that part, the rest gets easier. She is likely seeking some validation. One thing I have done, for example, is express validation in the form of genuine caring and commitment. When I dug deep and found that part of me that loved the woman I was with and expressed it to her, she was happy, all smiles and jumped on me the first chance she got.

My two basic rules for talking to women are to listen and validate. Pay attention to what’s happening guys. Build your confidence and you’ll breeze through those shit tests.

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