The Fear Based Life: Neediness is Repulsive

by | Feb 2, 2019 | Boundaries, Connections, Emotional Intelligence, Men's Issues, Relationships, Shame, Validation

This article is for those guys out there that are too needy and especially too needy in their relationships. It’s important for you to understand something really crucial. Your neediness is actually repelling the things and the relationships that you believe that you want and its important for you to consider that there are good ways to go about getting what and what you need in life and there are bad ways to go about getting them. Allow me to explain why guys who are needy are also clingy and they are actually repelling good relationships.

Fear Based Life

I believe that it is undeniable that one of our modern plagues has become fear though it comes in many forms and with many labels. Anxiety and worry are the two main ones. And while I think that this is what we’re accustomed to and we have come to accept this as normal, it’s certainly not that normal. From a mental health perspective, it’s alarmingly pervasive to see people that live what I would call a fear based life. I’ve worked with a lot of people and seen a lot of people, a lot of them being young even, have a default setting towards fear. It’s like the operating system of their mind was written on the basis of fear. When life throws any kind of curveball, whenever something goes wrong or not according to plan, they immediately fall into responses based in fear. If they think about doing something new, meeting new people, explore new opportunities, etc; it’s all the same. Fear. There’s worry, anxiety, avoidance and apologies. There are just too many people that are crippled by the ‘what if’s’ that often end up dominating their personal narratives.

Fear creates neediness and clinginess and the needy approach to women and relationships. Not only does this tend to seriously repel women, especially those that will bring a healthy type of approach and dynamic but being needy and clingy also kills attraction. Attraction is a crucial element for relationships to enjoy long term success and sustainability and even if there was a strong sense of attraction in the first place between the two. Being needy and clingy turns everybody cold, not just women.

Think about it, have you ever had someone who desperately wanted your approval and/or validation? How did you feel when you encountered that person? If you’ve ever had someone in your life that was desperate for your approval then there’s a good chance that you have experienced those feelings of dread when you encountered them. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it but I know that neediness is repulsive. I’ve felt that way myself, repelled by someone that came across as too needy or clingy. Neediness is social repellent and is pushes people away in a similar way that a magnet pushes away another magnet when you try and touch the wrong ends.

In real time, this looks like the guy that is constantly texting his partner because the distance between them makes him anxious. He frequently assumes that she is upset with him and he doesn’t have the ability to tolerate it when she is. He scrambles to “fix” things and trips over himself to apologize at the first indication that she should. He doesn’t make peace, he keeps the peace with the difference being that peacemakers face the conflict and work through it while the peacekeepers will do anything to end to the conflict including compromising their own power, pride and values and I find it sad that so many males are willing to give those things up in order to obtain a sense of peace and maintain a lack of conflict and from where I sit, this is not what a man is supposed to be. A man is supposed to protect his own sense of personal strengths and his personal values first. That’s what generates respect and attraction in relationships.

Stop Giving Away Your Power

When I have run men’s groups, it’s always great to see how men feel when they start setting boundaries and develop a sense of self-respect. When they stop being so needy and face the fear of losing approval and knowing that the chips may fall in bad places, their true power comes out and they experience feelings that they never have before. The least of which is their newfound sense of self-respect. Take it from me, there’s no feeling quite like the feeling you get when you find your personal power and I the need for approval from others is a guaranteed way to relinquish it.

Fear is completely irrational and the fear-based psyche tends to create catastrophes in the form of devastating scenarios that are conjured through that lense of fear which often results in a sense of frantic desperation. When your behavior is driven by those fear responses you are actually creating much worse results in your life. Fear isn’t protecting you, it’s making things worse and sometimes a lot worse. You must learn to manage your emotions or your emotions will manage you. I see all these guys that cling to their women out of a sense of fear. Afraid they aren’t pleasing enough, afraid they aren’t being good enough and they don’t realize that it’s not only hard to respect them but they are actually repelling what they want.

If you’re realizing that you’re not getting any of the results in life and you want to know more about the fear-based life and want to take your own hero’s journey, we’re providing the road map for guys just like you. It’s time to get off the bench. Life won’t give you real participation trophies, you have to get up earn it.

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